Husband needs a change. I want to support him but he needs answers I can't give him. I think he would like me to tell him what to do but I can't.
He's tied down by the idea that he has to keep doing what he's doing in order to provide for our family. It's all very noble and a grand gesture but ultimately if he's miserable he's no good to me as a provider. We need more than a steady income to make this family work. I would rather be living in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment trying to budget my groceries than living in a mansion with unlimited access to a personal chef if it means the difference between him coming home happy every night or him coming home unable to play with his children or spend time with me.
I'll just keep supporting him and I will try my best to keep everything together while he figures out what he wants to do. I keep telling him we can make just about anything work. He takes his role as a provider very seriously but I need him as a partner and a father more than as a provider.
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Friday, 26 March 2010
Holy Motherhood Batman!
It's been a while. How are things?
Life caught up with me and has been running me ragged. Working full time with a one-year old and another one on the way takes its tole time-wise and one of my many sacrifices has been the ability to write my thoughts on a semi-regular basis.
I can write now because pregnancy related sleep problems woke me up at an ungodly hour and have kept me up since. Monkey sleeps through the night so I can't blame her. Number 2 kicks a lot but according to husband I can sleep through a lot of that. This is just plain old "I had to pee and couldn't get back to sleep."
Monkey's walking and has a few words that we try to get her to use. She can say "Up" or something that almost sounds like "up" (could be uhuhuhptttp). She has 6 teeth and I think she has a few more on the way soon. At one point I was trying to keep track of all of this in a baby book but that has been abandoned too.
Number 2 is due in July. We are excited and scared and all those other things you are supposed to be when expecting. We will probably have to move again before 2 gets here, unless we can find a roommate who doesn't mind sharing a house with 2 young children.
That's everything in a skeletal blog post. I would try to promise that I'll update more but I think that's debatable, if not an outright lie.
Life caught up with me and has been running me ragged. Working full time with a one-year old and another one on the way takes its tole time-wise and one of my many sacrifices has been the ability to write my thoughts on a semi-regular basis.
I can write now because pregnancy related sleep problems woke me up at an ungodly hour and have kept me up since. Monkey sleeps through the night so I can't blame her. Number 2 kicks a lot but according to husband I can sleep through a lot of that. This is just plain old "I had to pee and couldn't get back to sleep."
Monkey's walking and has a few words that we try to get her to use. She can say "Up" or something that almost sounds like "up" (could be uhuhuhptttp). She has 6 teeth and I think she has a few more on the way soon. At one point I was trying to keep track of all of this in a baby book but that has been abandoned too.
Number 2 is due in July. We are excited and scared and all those other things you are supposed to be when expecting. We will probably have to move again before 2 gets here, unless we can find a roommate who doesn't mind sharing a house with 2 young children.
That's everything in a skeletal blog post. I would try to promise that I'll update more but I think that's debatable, if not an outright lie.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Babies...
I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I have been harbouring a secret resentment whenever anyone comments on how well-behaved my baby is or how quiet she is. I would mentally knock on wood every time someone mentioned how she is sleeping.
They have cursed me. She has gone from being the “perfect” baby to being a real baby. One who cries, wakes repeatedly in the night, won’t settle down, hates being held but refuses to be put down.
Sure, right now she is playing quietly with her jungle mat, she recently learned how to make the tiger sing, but I can sense the storm brewing beneath the surface. I can hear her gears grinding, preparing for the inevitable.
I knew this was what I signed on for, I was prepared for it but that doesn’t make it any easier. I spend a good part of my day frustrated, tired and ready to snap, but the moment she smiles or laughs either at me or at her daddy all of that melts away. I never knew I could love one person so much. I always knew I was patient but I never knew that she would test the limits of my patience and that they would hold. I never knew I could be this tired and still run when she needs me. I knew I would love being a mother but I never knew that I would be able to hinge my identity on simple motherhood. This little person makes my world a better place.
They have cursed me. She has gone from being the “perfect” baby to being a real baby. One who cries, wakes repeatedly in the night, won’t settle down, hates being held but refuses to be put down.
Sure, right now she is playing quietly with her jungle mat, she recently learned how to make the tiger sing, but I can sense the storm brewing beneath the surface. I can hear her gears grinding, preparing for the inevitable.
I knew this was what I signed on for, I was prepared for it but that doesn’t make it any easier. I spend a good part of my day frustrated, tired and ready to snap, but the moment she smiles or laughs either at me or at her daddy all of that melts away. I never knew I could love one person so much. I always knew I was patient but I never knew that she would test the limits of my patience and that they would hold. I never knew I could be this tired and still run when she needs me. I knew I would love being a mother but I never knew that I would be able to hinge my identity on simple motherhood. This little person makes my world a better place.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Back in NS
We are back in Nova Scotia after a lovely visit to New Brunswick. We got to introduce Squishy to Husband's family. Gramma and Grampy are wonderful with Squishy. Auntie Lizard and Aunt Fuffer got some quality time with Squishy.
I have known my MIL long enough to know that she has a very strong personality. This was the first time I have ever felt at-odds with her. She is the best mother-in-law I could imagine but I was not prepared for her assuming most of the responsibility for Squishy. I enjoyed knowing that someone else would look after her if I needed help, but MIL took that role quite seriously, once going so far as to take Squishy out of my arms. That was a strange experience. I know that the only reason she did that was because the sound of a crying baby has the same effect on her as fingernails on a chalkboard but it still made me question two things I have not yet considered;
1) Am I doing everything I can to comfort my child?
2) Does my MIL think I am a bad mother?
I think that these questions will continue to plague me for the rest of my life.
I have known my MIL long enough to know that she has a very strong personality. This was the first time I have ever felt at-odds with her. She is the best mother-in-law I could imagine but I was not prepared for her assuming most of the responsibility for Squishy. I enjoyed knowing that someone else would look after her if I needed help, but MIL took that role quite seriously, once going so far as to take Squishy out of my arms. That was a strange experience. I know that the only reason she did that was because the sound of a crying baby has the same effect on her as fingernails on a chalkboard but it still made me question two things I have not yet considered;
1) Am I doing everything I can to comfort my child?
2) Does my MIL think I am a bad mother?
I think that these questions will continue to plague me for the rest of my life.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Squishy Update
Squishy is doing very well. She had her first doctor's appointment yesterday and she is growing nicely. She eats more than I ever imagined, and since I'm breastfeeding I often feel like I'm permanently attached to her. Breastfeeding was one of my biggest fears. I was worried that I wouldn't have the patience to sit with her for hours to feed. I thought that she might not take to breastfeeding and I thought that it might be too painful to do frequently. I have not had any of these problems. She has taken to breastfeeding, I have not suffered too horribly and we get to spend a lot of time together.
She sleeps a lot. She sleeps when she eats, when she's being burped, when she is in her sling and when she is in the car. I was told that newborns slept most of the time, but I was expecting to sleep less myself. Right now I am only waking up twice a night, once at 11pm and once somewhere between 3 and 4am. I wake up for good around 6:30 and 7am.
One thing I have been surprised about is how little home life has changed. Husband and I still have time to read, play video games and spend lots of quality time on the internet. I have not fallen behind on any of my chores. The dishes are getting done, the laundry isn't piling up as much as I had feared. I have been advised to plan some projects that can be done in fits and spurts so that I don't go insane with boredom, but I'm not occupied when I'm needed by the Squishy One.
She sleeps a lot. She sleeps when she eats, when she's being burped, when she is in her sling and when she is in the car. I was told that newborns slept most of the time, but I was expecting to sleep less myself. Right now I am only waking up twice a night, once at 11pm and once somewhere between 3 and 4am. I wake up for good around 6:30 and 7am.
One thing I have been surprised about is how little home life has changed. Husband and I still have time to read, play video games and spend lots of quality time on the internet. I have not fallen behind on any of my chores. The dishes are getting done, the laundry isn't piling up as much as I had feared. I have been advised to plan some projects that can be done in fits and spurts so that I don't go insane with boredom, but I'm not occupied when I'm needed by the Squishy One.
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