Monday, 5 November 2012

What Do I Do Now?

Life is a little weird right now. Things are good but there is stuff going on that I don't really know how to process, let alone deal with, move passed and build upon.

Husband has recently been diagnosed with depression.

Yeah, not a big deal, millions of people are diagnosed with and treated for depression every year. I'm proud of him for getting the help he needs and I have promised him that I will do anything and everything in my power to be there for him in whatever way necessary. I love him and want nothing more than for him to be healthy so that our kids have a functioning, involved, loving Daddy.

The problem comes from me not really knowing what to do with myself. I have told him I support him, no matter what. I have let him know that if he ever needs to talk about anything, I am here for him. I am trying to continue on as if everything is normal but we both know it's not normal. He says there's nothing actually wrong so there's nothing for him to talk about. He just feels like shit all the time and needs something to balance out his lows.

He's not sad any more, but the drugs also take away his happys. He doesn't seem to have the same joy. His ambition is gone. A minor example, normally he loves Halloween, goes all-out with a huge, homemade costume. This year he almost didn't have one. He got a great costume together at the last minute (two-face to go with our oldest's Bat-Girl). It just takes a lot more effort for him to give a damn.

This is where my problem comes in. I can handle him in a low mood, I can deal with the anger, with the desire to be left alone and the short-temper. I'm not sure how to deal with someone who does not seem to take any joy in things. We have two small children who need someone to celebrate the joy in life with them. I want someone who will passionately throw themselves into things around the house, someone who wants things.

I know these things take time, that treating depression is an unrefined science with many different treatments to try. Nothing works for everyone and it always takes time to figure out what will work for each individual. I do not expect an over-night cure where a magic pill takes away his lows but allows him to keep his highs. I am happy that he is trying to get better and that he wants to be healthy. I am proud of him and I love him. I just never expected it to be this hard to just sit by and wait.

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